When I was 14 I moved from one secondary school to another. Lonely, and extremely insecure and with no confidence, I met someone. Let's just call him by the name he likes which is obviously not his real name - Shiro.
Now, Shiro and I grew to have quite a close friendship, and the fact that we were in a band together for a good 4 years only strengthened that. We were the most popular in the friend group that we were in (about 7/8) of us and Shiro inspired me in every way. He gave me my dark humour, he gave me the confidence to get a few 'teenage sweetheart' girlfriends.
Although, I had a lot of my friends telling me that Shiro wasn't any good for me - I never really took them seriously, to the point where I literally stood and watch as he tore my friend group apart to basically 4 people, solely because that's what he wanted.
So, a few years pass and we've finished our GCSEs.
It's A level time.
We both chose Music, and Photography and our relationship is still mostly as close as it ever was, until... he just kind of moved away. It was as if he'd forgotten how to talk to me. We didn't talk about Music or any of our general interests on any social media like we used to, we didn't Skype to play video games and that was okay, at first, because we both got busy.
Until he started talking about the 'PS4 chat' with two of our other friends, let's just call them Peter and Matt, and they'd just talk about it all the time, it a point where I'd feel alienated when I spoke to them.
But that's okay! Because I can't have them all to myself, they're allowed to be friends! And besides, I still have Peter and Shiro in the band...
The band broke up lol. During this summer, Peter, Matt, Shiro and two of our other friends decided to play DND without me, but that didn't strike me as odd, because Shiro just may have thought I hadn't been interested. I eventually got invited, but it was just more of the same, Shiro didn't want to talk to me and was only bothered about the others. We had our third or fourth DND session about two days before my 18th birthday to which I invited them over to just get drunk, watch movies and play video games.
They all bailed. All of them. On my EIGHTEENTH birthday.
I wanted to be with all of them so bad. Matt? He laughed in my face about not going. The worst part was, they'd made plans to not come. They had literally PLANNED to not come and told me two days before. (I mean, hey. I still enjoyed a day out to the beach with my girlfriend, so who won in the end?)
Year 13. On the first day, Shiro can't look at me. He gives me a glance and a nod, whilst he walks in with Matt, and that was it for the rest of the day.
No one asks about my birthday, or what I ended up doing.
No one apologised.
Shiro, doesn't talk to me anymore, not at all and when he does, it's far from the way he used to.
I keep wondering if I'd done something wrong?
I can't just ask him and get emotional, because he's not the kind of guy to return my sentimental feelings.
As I started to think deeper since September. I kind of came to a conclusion.
I think I fell in love with him. I think there was a part of me that actually in love with Shiro.
I'm not gay, obviously. But I mean spirituality. I fell in love with his mentality, his humour, his way of 'just winging it'.
So now I'm kind of drunk lmao. I'm sat here playing blues licks on my guitar, I'm rambling on forum because my friend and my girlfriend are at work, and I won't see them tomorrow because I'll be in work, and my phone battery is on 3% and I just feel like I'm going through a really, REALLY bad break up that I didn't even know had happened.
My new signature - as made by the wonderful 'Deborah J'